I am seriously sleep deprived . I can tell because when I mentally remarked on how I felt like a fully functioning human being an not a zombie I mentally started singing ‘I feel good na na na na na’ and I just burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing ever… I need sleep but I don’t feel tired. This sucks.
I’m done. Finally the Latin stress and guilt is gone.. I’m running on like 6-9 hours of sleep for the past 48. I’m going to have a celebration nap later- after I go to class and actually turn in the Latin, and probably after I eat lunch (real food!!) and charge my phone. look for an update on last night’s session coming very soon. I’m sorry. I’m rambling. I’m just trying to waste time until i can leave for class. alright. nice talking to you. bye.
It seems that I play second fiddle to a rock band.
It’s not that I mean to lie to you it’s just that I keep saying things that aren’t quite true. I say I’m in a bad mood because that’s the best way I can explain to you what’s going on, but it isn’t quite true. I don’t feel like I do when I’m in a bad mood. I feel like there is a tornado in my mind spinning round and round causing chaos, but that’s not quite it either. The problem is I’m not too sure what it is, so that’s the best I can describe it-‘in a bad mood’ and ‘tornado in my mind’ but neither of them are quite right so in the end I am lying to you simply because I can’t quite say the true thing.
In the time since I was told by somebody I know that they didn’t have a bad thing to say about me I’ve started to keep a list of the ‘bad’ things about me. I’m not sure why I mean I’m not going to show it to anyone and I really don’t need to have an actual list of things that are bad about me lying about. I’m sure the person who said they didn’t have a bad thing to say about me didn’t intend for me to go off and make a list like that. I doubt that anyone would actually want anyone else to go and make such a list, but that’s exactly what I did. My reaction to somebody saying they didn’t have a bad thing to say about me was to go out and make a list of the bad things I or anyone else could say about me. That is kinda messed up. I didn’t take it as a compliment or whatever I actively sought to prove it false. Why the hell would anybody do that? Why did I do that and why am I not getting rid of the list?
I can’t seem to focus. I have several things I could be doing and that I should be doing, yet I find myself distracted by the tiniest of things, my chipped nails something in the paint on my celing. I go from one thing to another not really completing anything just moving on when I get distracted or bored or run up against a wall. In tired but I’ve only been up for 6 hours and I slept like 8 hours last night. I don’t get it. I feel full but I want to eat.
I thought I’d feel better after that. I don’t. Why don’t I feel better? I got it off my chest. I should feel better. So why don’t I?
I am an ostrich… or an emu …. or what ever the creature that buries its head in the sand when there is danger around is called. There are big decisions I have to make and I respond to them by doing nothing, pretending they don’t exist because I hope that by doing so they will just go away or solve themselves. I know this is bad but I choose to ignore it because that is what I do. I need to change. I need to grow up and just deal with it because these things won’t just go away if I do nothing and if they do I will ultimately be worse off for it because I missed out on opportunities. I need help, but I suck at asking for help and even when I get it I end up just kinda pushing it away because I have an independent streak a mile wide. But I have a personality that needs others to ground me. I don’t like it. I lie to my parents. I tell people I’m fine, and most of the time I think I am, but even if I’m not I tell them I’m fine because if I told them I wasn’t I’m not sure what they’d do. Maybe they’d try to help me and part of me doesn’t really want that. Maybe they’d not know what to do and things would get weird between us and I certainly don’t want that. Maybe they’d reject me because who the hell actually tells you how they are when you ask (because really you just asked to be nice and society told you that you should, but you don’t really care)? Clearly it is someone who likes the attention or whatever, they are trying to rope you in to their life and their drama and that’ll just make your life harder. I don’t know maybe I don’t give people as a whole enough credit. Maybe they are better, nicer, kinder, more compassionate than I give them credit for. Maybe they do really care when they ask but I don’t want my problems to become theirs because I’m sure their lives are just as complex and difficult and confusing as mine if not more so. They don’t need me adding my problems to theirs. They don’t need that. Nobody needs that.